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I'm wearing head-to-toe yellow right now. Makes me think of being in a cult or a sanitarium. But I'm just in my living room, wearing yellow linen pants and a yellow crop top with bare feet. Neither brainwashed nor brain dead. I missed my therapy session this month, and I've been trying to practice self-soothing without Susan. I've been processing through writing lately, which is ironic considering I'm writing this week's blog entry on Friday morning instead of Sunday evening like I planned. But this week I struggled between my needs and the needs of others. Getting my house and home in order after visiting my Taita was step one, and nesting always brings me comfort. But before I could properly exist in my home, I worked the whole weekend and attempted to have a social life in the early weekdays following. My need to be alone has matured to a need to be alone and in quiet. Bartending can be such a loud profession, and some nights I fall asleep with my ears ringing. And when I'm alone in noise, I'm able to block out my inner dialogue all too well. Alone and in quiet are when I have some of my best thoughts. Alone and in quiet I notice when my jaw is clenched, and can feel for tension in my shoulders. Early Autumn in New York is cold toes and a frigid neck. And this year I'm feeling antsy to get on the road, start my roadtrip now goddammit. I know the weather will be on my side this Summer, but my body is like the King of Wands recently. Expectant, anxious to move forward. Nearly standing from his seat and jumping into the next adventure. Only my head embodies the two of wands. Feeling my world is so small, but knowing success lies in patience and intention. Patience and intention, that's my focus this week. xxoo Ten

I nearly missed my train this morning. Pulled up to the station, three minutes before it’s departure, and ran my little ass as best I could. Gripping my twenty pound “carry-on”. Still I maintain, rolling that joint was worth it. This week, my movement is pointed South. Florida, to visit my Taita. My sister and I would visit every year when we were kids, and it’s been a few years since my last. I had a good friend help me navigate my relationship with my Taita this year, Phelan. They helped me reach out to her after our first argument. You know that feeling, where you’re waiting for someone to call you, and they're waiting for you to call them, too? Phelan helped me pick up the phone. And now here I am, in a good place with all my family members. Last Thanksgiving was a mess at my house. My sister thought she had COVID at the time, and so she sat in our living room TV screen. My Mom was having a panic attack, and my Dad didn’t know how to help. Long story short, I told everyone to go to therapy. Love therapy, love Susan. (Shout-out if you’re reading this, girl.) After the reckoning, I started on a warpath to air every grievance with my family. The only result was a consensus on my unpopularity. And once I realized I wasn’t ready to hear what anyone had to say in response, that warpath began to fade. I realized it was my own work to do, to forgive the people in my life. I learned I have my own toxic narratives, which I project onto people. I found that setting boundaries, as well as showing up, aren’t mutually exclusive. And so, I anticipate warm weather and good conversation. This week, I saved my $135 and had the best Halloween of my life. I took the whole weekend off work, and one of my good friends was in town from Buffalo. We bar hopped on Friday night, ate breakfast together Saturday morning and that night I went to a party. Had a hard time getting out of bed this morning, mostly because I knew that this was the last time I’d see Q for a week. He’s the best person to lay around in bed with, he makes me laugh and knows how to comfort me. So I hit snooze a few times too many. I nearly missed my train this morning, pulled up to the station, three minutes before it’s departure. xxoo Ten

We're all constantly reminded of how small we are. In those times, I think of a quote from my favorite author, Lewis Carroll., "... Sir, if you wouldn't mind," said Alice: "three inches in such a wretched height to be." "It is a very good height indeed!" said the Caterpillar angrily, rearing itself upright as it spoke (it was exactly three inches high). I felt small this week. Especially when I walked into a bar meeting filled with life-long mixologists from all over the city. Working for the Swan family in Rochester, is the service industry's version of being born into a trust. These people are on a different level, I just have to ask myself whether I care enough to be jealous. Last February, I went with a friend to the planetarium on mushrooms. We saw such detailed photos of different galaxies that day. I remember feeling comforted by the thought of swimming across the universe, weightless, From galaxy to galaxy. The sky today reminded me of those same galaxies. Wispy and crowded into groups, leaving faded, open spaces in between. Do you ever sit and feel yourself rotating with the earth? Maybe the reason we sometimes feel bad is because we're upside down in the universe. Our physical position on the planet is upside down. "An upside down planet can cause headaches and brain fog, see your general physician before undergoing any form of treatment." Maybe we're upside down right now. xxoo Ten

I've been taking myself on these walks up Cobb's Hill everyday. Something to get me out of the house and move my body. I decided to walk with intention yesterday, No headphones or inner dialogue. Engaging my meditation mindset, only with open eyes and moving feet. I noticed myself glancing down, at the ground. Each time I would do this, I felt myself become conscious of my my body, my physical presence. In these moments I became anxious. Anxious some one, some man, would be perceiving my physical presence. Objectifying my presence. I also noticed myself glancing up, at the cracks of sunlight through leaves. Each time I would do this, I thought only of the sun. Engaging my meditation mindset, With open eyes and moving feet. Looking up felt better than down, And so I looked up. Craning my neck to the sky I began to forget myself. Instead, I saw a tree in the park that grew forbidden grapes (they looked like grapes but I wouldn't recommend eating them). The more I look around, this city is covered with forbidden berries. My sister and I used to play with them as kids, Creating paints, soups and cakes out of forbidden berries and mud. I stand at the bottom of the hill. My meditation mind speaks to me, She says, "You can be unhappy anywhere." I take my first step up the hill. In order to find happiness in far far away, you must first find happiness where you stand. At the peak, I made a lap and began climbing down. Before I could, I looked over my shoulder and saw a woman laying in the sun. In October. In Rochester. She found her happiness that day. Envious, I found my own spot in the grass and warmed my skin. The descent from Cobb's Hill, on a bright day, looks like Teletubby hill. The grass cut in rows, and a cloudless, blue sky. My goal this week is finding happiness where I stand. xxoo Ten

On Saturday I passed by a sandwich shop, one I thought had long gone from the city. It's in a new location, far from South Avenue. And my mind wandered onto my old street, I lived on South Avenue for a year. From the fall of '20 to the summer of '21. That was a lonely year for me, I spent Christmas day alone on that street. The windows never fully closed. And all winter, a steady breeze drifted through the hallways. During that year, I fell in love on South Avenue. Quarantined together, we had far too much time to spend together. Q helped me that year, and he continues to be a positive light in my life. But before all this, around ten years ago, I first visited South Avenue with my Taita. She took me to a sandwich shop for lunch. We sat at a table outside, and I remember feeling so small. South Avenue looked like somewhere I could never feel comfortable, somewhere I would never fully understand. Cars looked bigger then, than they do today. I had never seen street parking or bike lanes before. Once I was sixteen I drove myself to South Avenue, In search of that same sandwich shop. But all I found was an empty store front and inability to parallel park. And so, the other day, when I passed by that same sandwich shop. On a new street. My mind flooded with the smallness I felt ten years ago. The same street that paralyzed my inner child, became my home for a year. I called it my birds nest. Not only was South Avenue my home, but it felt so small during that time. I could walk the neighborhood in two paces, and leave the state in ten. I've spent a large part of my life feeling small, and choosing partners who reinforce that smalless. But ever since I started traveling alone, I have become a mountain. And each time I navigate myself out of trouble, I grow taller. Today, I revisited my happy place. The place where I jumped off a cliff and trusted the wind to catch me. Six years ago, when I paraglided through the Swiss Alps. I touched rainbows on the edge of waterfalls, introduced myself to mountain goats, and cried tears of joy. I am that mountain. And yet, the world continues to outsize me. The more I revisit my roadtrip itinerary, with every new city I take myself to, the world feels larger. South Avenue is barely three paces. xxoo Ten

I thought about writing this on the train yesterday, but I got too invested in Squid Game and the ten hours to Boston just flew by. And now I’m here, sitting in a coffee shop in Massachusetts. I chose the one closest to the dispensary, so the real commute won‘t be too far. I forgot how much I enjoyed this city during my last visit. Regardless of the poor company I kept four years ago, I have fond memories of this place. It was summertime then, not like it is now, but I prefer air with a bite to it anyway. My mom says I have overactive sweat glands. The subway in Boston is much more approachable than the New York City subway. Probably because they don’t have a four foot drop from the platform to the tracks. I got off at Park Street and my memories came flooding back. I had been here before. Ignoring the sounds of my stomach, I walked through Boston Common and felt a new type of euphoria. At least, new to me. I had no one with me to tell me where to go, or what to do, or how to manage my time. I am completely free, with little to no agenda. Today my goals are: breakfast, weed, something, concert. I’m basically onto the something and I’m giddy with anticipation. I digress. This has essentially become my travel journal, with a few updates on my upcoming road trip. I don’t have a lot of news regarding Ten’s National Park Service, just that I saved my $135 for the week (and then some). My therapist suggested I save, not only my weekly goal, but any left over cash tips as well. Shit is stacking up, I think that puts me at $1000 so far. Work is going really well. I’m adjusting to the late nights and long hours, and this job is everything I could ask for out of a bartending gig. My foster baby Herbie is also adjusting very well. I feel badly that I’ve had to leave him with my roommate on these past two trips, but after Boston I’ll be home for a while. Onto something. xxoo Ten

I dreamt of a solar eclipse last night. Not sure what that means, whether it means anything at all. Maybe it's like the moon, your more intimate face, coming to the forefront over the sun, your more distilled face. Embracing the smaller parts of yourself. I got rejected from another job. And a meeting I set up to motivate my career, ended up making me feel less confident about my experience. Still we carry on, and climb down the ladder from assistant work to unpaid internships. This new bartending gig is going well still. It frees up my weekdays so I have nothing to do but focus on finding a day job and keeping myself healthy. It's exactly the work environment I've been looking for, and I've already taken opportunities to assert myself. When a drunk girl accuses you of omitting the vodka in her vodka cranberry, hour eight of a twelve hour shift, you take the opportunity to assert yourself. Road trip news! I booked two of my first campsites: at Wind Cave, SD and Yosemite, WY. The majority of National Parks don't book out this far, but it feels so good to have concrete plans. Money invested. I've had to adapt my timeline again, in order to align with my cousin's schedule, who I'll be crashing with for a week. Last week I developed a "new start" date, and today I have a "new new" start date: June 17, 2022. Tomorrow evening I'm leaving to go to New York City again, just for a few days. I booked one of my best friends a sample sale appointment at Kleinfeld Bridal for her upcoming wedding and I'm so excited to support her. More big news, I'm a new foster mom! I've been wanting to have a cat in my home for some time, but I can't exactly afford vet bills and won't be in Rochester forever. Queue Herbie, my first foster cat. Leaving for a trip always motivates me to get my house in order, and today I've done just that My laundry is done, dishes are washed and bills are paid. I look forward to another week of change and opportunity. xxoo Ten

Week five of my journey, month two. Change, change and more change. New York was a good pause for me, I faced more anxiety than I expected but I took it all in stride. Wiped tears with my metro card. I heard back from a few big girl jobs while I was in the city, and I started a new bartending gig once I got back home. This weekend was insane. I got home at 3am last night, but I made $800 in two days. Two fucking days. I had a quiet moment walking back into the restaurant on Friday. I was focused on returning to work, tunnel vision. And the light of the moon caught my attention. Clear skies. In perfect view, she was almost full. Last month, at the full moon, I asked her for a favor. I've been seeking change in my life. New vocations and adventures. Although some aspects of my professional life have been moving slowly, I have still created change within my life. My heart dropped when I realized the legitimate manifestation I was experiencing. Not only have I been shifting my focus to my goals and passions, but I've been taking tangible steps to get there. Successfully. I feel magical. The planning for Ten's National Park Service are becoming more tangible, as well. I've mapped out my path point-by-point, taking a total of 23 stops. I'm 23. Maybe it's a coincidence. Numerology has been getting my lately, I've recently realized how much the number 27 has circulated throughout my life. I digress, my new timeline is 5 months and my new budget is $6000. This bumps up my weekly saving goal from $95 to $135, not too much of a difference but it'll add up. I also realized that I won't want to be in these places during the winter months, and if I leave in September that's exactly what will happen. So I figure I'd like to be "home for Christmas" 2022 and then started working my timeline backwards. Therefore the new start date for Ten's National Park Service is July 21, 2022. xxoo Ten

Today I’m practicing movement. Taking up space. The train to New York City is about seven hours and it rides smooth. I feel movement beneath my feet, metal to earth, trailing alongside the Eerie canal. You might mistake it for a rainforest. If you’re three days dehydrated and coming down from acid. Rochester, everyone here is a college student or a disassociated adult. Far from purpose and deep into the hole of suburbia. I know once this road trip is over in two years, I’ll want to live somewhere else. New York City is a strong contender, fresh flowers and tetanus. Have a few Carrie Bradshaw years trying to make it as a writer. A Sex In The City reference, original. I saw the movie a few years ago but not the show, wrong generation. I’m fully prepared to lean into every cliche I’ve historically prevented myself from enjoying. Moving to the big city to be writer. Letting my freak flag fly and finding myself. I saved my $95 for the week and had my last weekend at the old restaurant. The NEW restaurant begins the day I return from New York, movement. After the customers I encountered this past weekend I cannot wait to no longer provide full-service dinner. Full-service dinner feels like a full-service gas station. A ridiculous request of a stranger, that they serve you and kiss your ass for a 20% tip. I’d rather serve you for two seconds and forget about you in another two. On my cover letter I wrote some “bartending gives you the unique opportunity to experience the human condition” bullshit. Basically I eavesdrop on and judge people behind three feet of bar. Now that’s behind me, I can embrace this movement today. I’ll go grocery shopping and do some yoga when I get in. I think movement will be a big theme these next few years. Today I’m practicing movement, taking up space. xoxo Ten

Still here, still here? Still in Rochester, still a bartender, still unhappy professionally. Although still determined. I did get a new bartending gig though, hopefully a better work environment than my current situation, but still. The same. I've been practicing more stillness in my life, meditation and self-reflection. Alone time has been feeding me well, too. My morning routine is becoming more natural, I'm nearing a place where I excite to wake and feed myself. I've been attempting to feed all parts of myself in the mornings. Feed my skin with skincare, my body with movement and good foods, my anxiety with fluoxetine, my energy with matcha, my goals without spending, my soul by journaling. I worked a small wedding this past weekend and saved my weekly $95 cash by Friday, learning how to hustle is still a priority in this story. I've still been trying to find a job in journalism/writing, and I set up an appointment with my alum university's career guidance staff. Still determined, although still here. I should probably start working more details of my roadtrip, yeah? I can get distracted by what's physically infront of me, so much so that I let long-term goals slip through the cracks. But that's why I'm still here, writing to no one in attempt at keep myself accountable. Perspective has historically served me well, seeing how the rest of the world lives. Going to different places and taking inventory of my priorities and place in life. I'm visiting one of my good friends in NYC next week, very excited. The first time I went to the city in June of this year, I was punched in the face with perspective. Especially, honestly, by the kids who move there to go to school, or dance, or act, or otherwise "make" it. Fucking fearless. I think we could all benefit from practicing less fear in our lives. xxoo Ten

Welcome back no one, it's nice not to see you. Last week I focused on work and family, making money and giving time. I bartended for a friend of a friend's wedding reception and nearly made my rent in one night, felt good. The job search is changing with no momentum, but I'll keep pushing through. Maybe it's time to start looking for a weekday serving position to fill my time, twenty hours a week in a dark bar I don't like is emotionally draining, but not enough money. Why do I feel so unprepared for all my endeavors? It's like no matter how much planning or thought I put into a goal that when I get there, it's like I forgot my pencils. This next year is going to be difficult, I'm going to have to learn how to hustle for the first time in my life. The first time I've wanted to do something with my life, why is the work so fucking hard. Basically I was raised in a pocket of privilege; with singing lessons, piano lessons, and in a quiet suburb, with no reason to have financial anxiety. I've never had to hustle before. I know the movie scene, when Christina Aguilera learns all her burlesque routines and becomes that kick-ass main character in five screen minutes. But realistically that takes five life months. Fuck. I know life isn't a feature film starring Cher and Stanley Tucci, but that's my only frame of reference for working hard towards your goals. My parents knew how to hustle, and because of that they were able to raise me to where I don't know how to. They were able to give me a better life than they had, but I need to get humbled. Fast. Humble and hustle. Those are my buzz words for this year. I need to be humble enough to hustle my way to my dreams. And try to remember my pencils. xxoo Ten

Hello world, and hello no one. This blog is for the world, and it is also for no one. Welcome to my attempt at keeping myself accountable for the first time in my 23 years on this planet. My name is Kiersten, I graduated in May 2021 with a bachelor's of science in Anthropology and I'm a bartender. Basically I'm unhappy professionally. I made small goals for myself pre and post-graduation; finding a side hustle, a roommate, an apartment. And now I find myself at the end of that list, and I'm not sure how to move forward. I know I spend too much money on stupid things, and that I have a lot of creative and powerful energy to exercise. And I've come up with a plan that my ADD brain can hold onto for more than five minutes... a road trip. A solo road trip to all the National Parks I want to see, and to visit my cousin Marie in Utah. Ideally I would hit every National Park in America, but I have a 2013 Toyota Prius and I'm already pushing it. So I decided my goal would be brown, red and orange. The desert. I've never seen that before. I'm from Upstate New York, so I'm used to a lot of green, and a lot of flat ground. Nothing against flat, green land. I've just seen a lot of it already. Washington, Oregon and Montana are out. I live on the East coast, I've only ever seen the East coast of this country. I want to see the West. I'll start with the Badlands in South Dakota. That's a heavy drive from New York, and Chicago is basically in between the two, so I think I'll take a pause there for a few days. Then I'll hit Wind Cave in South Dakota, Yellowstone in Wyoming, Grand Teton in Wyoming. That will probably take me 1-2 months into the journey, and I'll have to make another big leap over to Lassen Volcanic National Park in California. Maybe that's when I can see Marie In Salt Lake City, hell yes that's the perfect time. So a few day pause in Salt Lake City, Utah to hangout with Marie (and enjoy a little free accommodation). From Marie's in Salt Lake I'll head to Lassen Volcanic National Park in California. Fuck Nevada, self explanatory. I want to make my way down California like Yosemite, Pinnacles, Death Valley, Joshua Tree. This could take me up to a month. Moving onto Petrified Forest in Arizona, then to the Grand Canyon (also in Arizona). Trekking up to Zion, Bryce Canyon, Capitol Reef, and Arches, all in Utah. I'll move over to the Great Sand Dunes in Colorado before I make the trip down to New Mexico. Probably take another month to get through Arizona and Colorado. Then finally, I'll drive straight down to the Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, the Guadalupe Mountains in Texas, and Big Bend in Texas, as well. From there I'll drive home, hopefully have a few book ideas to bring to New York City. So yeah, week one. Blog one. I have declared it! See you next week xxoo Ten