Week 12: Alone and in quiet

I'm wearing head-to-toe yellow right now. Makes me think of being in a cult or a sanitarium.

But I'm just in my living room,

wearing yellow linen pants and a yellow crop top with bare feet.

Neither brainwashed nor brain dead.

I missed my therapy session this month, and I've been trying to practice self-soothing without Susan.

I've been processing through writing lately,

which is ironic considering I'm writing this week's blog entry on Friday morning instead of Sunday evening like I planned.

But this week I struggled between my needs and the needs of others.

Getting my house and home in order after visiting my Taita was step one, and nesting always brings me comfort.

But before I could properly exist in my home, I worked the whole weekend and attempted to have a social life in the early weekdays following.

My need to be alone has matured to a need to be alone and in quiet.

Bartending can be such a loud profession, and some nights I fall asleep with my ears ringing.

And when I'm alone in noise, I'm able to block out my inner dialogue all too well.

Alone and in quiet are when I have some of my best thoughts.

Alone and in quiet I notice when my jaw is clenched, and can feel for tension in my shoulders.

Early Autumn in New York is cold toes and a frigid neck.

And this year I'm feeling antsy to get on the road, start my roadtrip now goddammit.

I know the weather will be on my side this Summer,

but my body is like the King of Wands recently.

Expectant, anxious to move forward. Nearly standing from his seat and jumping into the next adventure.

Only my head embodies the two of wands.

Feeling my world is so small, but knowing success lies in patience and intention.

Patience and intention,

that's my focus this week.

xxoo Ten